After “How’s he sleeping?”, the number one question I get is how Bunny’s dealing with a new baby in the house. Well, don’t worry everyone, she’s just as in love as I am, and she’s doing great. In fact, I think she’s got some tips for other big sisters who might be wondering what to do.
How to care for a newborn, according to my 2-year-old:
- The first thing you need to know is that parents constantly lose track of their babies. Hold them accountable by asking where the baby is every time you wake up in the morning, every time they come get you from nap, and also any time the baby is in a different room. If they give you an unsatisfactory answer like “He’s sleeping in his crib, honey; he’s fine”, make sure you run around the house shouting “BABY!? BABY!?” until they show you where he is.
- Babies love it when you share your food with them. Any time you are eating a snack near a baby, hold some of your food out to them. If for some reason they do not take the food, help them out by putting your food in their mouth for them. If your parents inexplicably try to stop you from doing this, fight them! It’s VERY important!
- Mechanical swings are notoriously unreliable. If your baby brother is in a swing, keep it going by pushing it manually. Ignore the loud and angry whirring noises it makes when you do this. If pushing manually does not work and the baby starts to cry, do your best to climb into the swing to comfort him. You will definitely fit.
- In general when the baby cries, the best way to comfort him is to shove something at his face. It doesn’t really matter what. A pacifier, a toy, that snot-extracting bulb you saw Mama use when he was sick, or just whatever is lying around. Again, if parents attempt to hinder you, fight back. They have no idea what they’re doing.
- A huge source of concern for babies is whether they have all their facial features and body parts in place. Reassure them by taking the time to point out their nose, mouth, ears, hair, eyes, belly, and butt to them. Jab hard at all these features so they know for sure where they are.
- Finally, whenever the baby is on someone’s lap, make sure he has company! Babies get lonely on laps, and they love to be readjusted to accommodate you. Once there, give him adorable snuggles. Your parents will find it so cute that for a short period of time after that they will let you get away with whatever you want.
Bunny sincerely hopes that this helps any future big sisters out there rise to the occasion. It’s a tough job raising babies, but someone (other than the useless parents, obviously) needs to do it!